don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
