So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
