dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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