Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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