Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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