if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
