I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
