Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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