She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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