You're a womanizer and a bitch.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
