I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
