we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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