you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
