I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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