I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
