The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
