You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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