Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
