We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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