Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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