gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
