question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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