M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
