onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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