no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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