Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
