someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
