I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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