Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
