note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
