I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
