i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
