I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
