Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
