I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
