i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
