I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
