he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
