I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
