Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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