Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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