at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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