overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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