first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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