Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
