I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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