Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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