All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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