life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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