My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
